all the kinds of alive you can be

a reason to break this two month silence

2012-01-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to say this usually. But goodness, gracious. Can I just be her?

I haven't had anything to post since October 31st. But - here we are.

2011-10-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

Forty-five days. Then I'll be done with finals and with this semester. That's totally manageable, right?

(The word manageable suddenly looked like the word "manger", which is the French verb for "to eat". Which made me think of the phrase "biting off more than you can chew"... which is kind of what I did this semester.)

But here are some good things.

- Halloween candy like WOAH.

- Jacket weather is here. (Mostly. sometimes.)

- I'm three-fourths of the way through this monster of a paper. ("monster" not so much because of its length, but because of my inability to patch together any sort of coherent structure for it. or to even write decent sentences.)

- Two new Radio Dept albums.

- Fried rice for dinner. Except maybe this is more depressing than anything, when it comes down to it. (ask me another time and I'll explain why this is especially sad)

- That bottle of soy sauce I bought a month ago? I was finally able to open it. I had tried EVERYTHING. Hot water, knife under the edge of the cap, tapping it on the counter, insulting it in angry tones. Everything. I even had other people try to open it for me. They couldn't.

- that's it.

That's about all the happy I can come up with right now.

Wait.

No.

- Also, the pink wig I bought that I really couldn't afford and so what if my rent is going to be just the tiniest bit late. It's adorable and I love it. Princess Bubble Gum? Stephanie from Lazytown? Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation? Yep. All the time.

i take it back

2011-10-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

My stress is JUST LIKE A GEYSER. The pressure builds and builds until there is an enormous display of waterworks.

But instead of scalding water, it is in the form of tears.

Sooo many tears.

Yellowstone

2011-10-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took a much-needed break and went on a road trip with Matt and Lana. We drove to Rexburg on Friday (yesterday), stayed with some of Matt's friends over night, then we all went to Yellowstone for the day.

Here are just a few pictures:

In front of the sign at the entrance! (of course)

In front of a cloud of sulfur/hot pots!

Reading about the things!

Old Faithful! Which lived up to it's name.

We'll drive back tomorrow and then it's school-midterms-researchpaper-rent-bills-andgnlrekheh;ekbgejknentr freaking out. I didn't realize just how stressed I was until I went away and took a break from it all. I told myself I wouldn't think about any of it while I was away... and for the most part I didn't. That is, until this afternoon when I was standing next to a pool of boiling clay, bathed in a cloud of sulfurous vapor, and I started to have a mini heart attack as I thought about all the things that are waiting for me in Provo. I was able to push down the panic, though, and enjoy the rest of the day.

Also - I was really tempted to turn this post into some stupid analogy comparing my stress levels to a geyser. But I didn't. You're welcome.

2011-10-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

TAKE THAT ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN ON ME. YEAH.

Eight hours later, guys. Eight. hours.

Breathing now. How long since I remembered breathing? I think I started hyperventilating around hour six. Yikes.

But let me just say that my paper is going to be awesome. Someday. When I can bear to look at it again.

i'm never eating pizza again

2011-10-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

I think I discovered my limit for pizza consumption.

About a week ago I was sitting at work and realized that I hadn't had pizza in a really long time. I had this really intense craving for pepperoni pizza. I went to my parents house that night and ended up eating a frozen pizza for dinner. Awesome, right? But I didn't stop there.

Friday night, I made homemade pizza.

Then Saturday I went to a party where pizza was provided.

And tonight I attended a dinner at Pizzeria 712.

Add to that the two times I ate leftover pizza for breakfast over the past week.

That is a LOT of pizza. And you know what? I enjoyed every single one of those pizza slices. ALL OF THEM.

But then I came home tonight and my roommate had baked a pizza. She offered me a slice and I thought I was going to be sick.

Buh.

No. More. Pizza. Nevereverever.

Sooo... if you're interested, I've got some leftovers from dinner tonight that I ~~won't~~ cannot eat.

All I want is to eat from now on is salad. Salad and celery.

2011-10-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

Well, Remicade infusion 1 in progress. Kind of. They're giving me Benadryl first through the IV and then they'll start with the infusion of the actual medication. I'm in a room full of older cancer patients and it makes me a little sad to see them all here. This infusion center is located within a cancer treatment center - so most of the other patients here are going through chemotherapy. The other patients all look like they could be someone's dad or grandmother. The strange part is that everyone here seems to know the routine of this place. They walk in, settle into their chairs, and stick out an arm. The nurses go from patient to patient, adjusting IVs, checking the progress of the medications draining into patients.

Another thing: you know those service projects where you make quilts to send to a hospital? Well, I know now where those end up. They are neatly folded and placed in cupboards all around this room. Easily reached by cold patients on gray, drizzly mornings (like today). [Also, I realized that I don't really like being called a "patient". I am what I am, I suppose. But that title is not my favorite.]

Woah. Okay. The drowsiness the nurse warned me could occur as a side effect of the Benadryl kicked in. So just be aware that I might post this before it's finished so that I can go to sleep. Also, sorry if there are any typos in this post.

This place is not at all what I expected. I was thinking that it would be very clinical and be lit in fluorescent, greenish light. I was surprised to walk in and see pretty marble floors (okay, I doubt it's actually marble... but it's supposed to look like marble.) There are this black leather recliners running along the length of the room. The chairs look like they belong in a living room, not in place like this. Or at least, the almost do. They have wheels on the bottom and big white numbers on the side. They also have TVs and DVD players in pretty cherry wood entertainment systems. They're spaced out about every three chairs.

I've been watching the rain out some of the big windows that cover one of the walls.

I can't help thinking back to where I was a year ago. Hospital, entirely too many drugs in my system. This is kind of similar, I guess. But things are so much better than they were last October.

The nurse switched out the Benadryl and started the Remicade. So far so good.

Still drowsy, though. So naptime? I think so.

2011-09-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

The fact that I always manage to get the paper done in time does not help my habit of procrastination.
I would like myself a lot more if I didn't consistently paint myself into a corner.

But would I produce the same work without the pressure of a deadline?
(Or would it maybe [just maybe] be better than what I am able to come up with under these [panicked, last minute] circumstances?)

sniffles.

2011-09-19T19:43:00.001-07:00

But I don't have time to be sick.

2011-09-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's been far too long since the last time I watched this.

And while I'm posting stills from movies:

and the beat goes on

2011-09-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling self absorbed. So of course the best way to deal with this is to blog about it, right?

I'm tired of thinking about myself all the time. My days fill up with classes, work, and then some combination of homework/social something or other. By the end of the day I feel unaccomplished. And selfish. Because I spend so much time pursuing my education, my social life, my whatever else. Enough about me. I know plenty about me. It's boring and it's old news.

This is due (in part) to the fact that it's the beginning of the semester. I am meeting new people and catching up with friends I haven't seen in a long time. As a result of this, I find myself repeating the same stories over and over again. Yeah, summerwasgood, gladtobestartingschool, movedintoanewplace, mynameisLaurenI'mfromArizona, blah, blah, blah.*

I'm sick of listening to myself and I feel like everybody else must be sick of it too. But maybe not, since you only have to sit through my repertoire once?** Meanwhile, I feel like one of those dolls with a button hidden in her hand. Squeeze my hand and I'll repeat my little recorded lines to you. Maybe sing you a song.

Annnd then there's bedtime. I shut off the lights and then it starts.*** The never-ending narrative in my head. I'm so, so sick of hearing myself talk but my brain just keeps going and going and going. So I stare at the ceiling, watch it light up for brief moments as cars pass on the street outside. And I don't sleep.

A coworker recommended meditation. I think I'll try that. Hopefully that will quiet the voice that will. not. stop.****

* This is not to say that every conversation I've had lately is rote/meaningless. So if you feel like we've had a good talk recently, chances are I do actually feel the same.
** For those of you who happen to have been in multiple social situations with me lately I AM SO SORRY if you've had to listen to me go through this multiple times.
*** I forget what I was going to put here.
**** This sounds really self-loathing. It isn't as bad as it sounds.

I guess what all of the above really amounts to is this: I'm kinda tired of being me. Is that really bad? Is that a normal feeling to have from time to time?

And a note on the title:My roommate is listening to something with a whole lotta bass. I have hardly slept in the past few days. (Meaning headache.) Ouch.

2011-08-29T14:32:00.001-07:00

Look, I like you summer. You're my favorite and we've had a lot of good times. But it's time we had a chat.

Your long, hot sunny days are wonderful I love wearing sandals and shorts all the time, laying in the grass, enjoying the outdoors.

Here's the thing, though. School started and took away everything good about you. I don't get to enjoy any of the positive aspects of our relationship these days. Instead, I have to put on pants (yikes) and closed-toed shoes (sigh) and trudge across campus. I have to wear a backpack and hurry everywhere I go. My shirt gets all sweaty where my backpack straps go and I just end up red and gross by the end of the day.

I wish what we had could have lasted forever. But the reality is that we need some time apart. I need a cooler season in my life right now.

2011-08-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

Things are good. I'm feeling happier than I have in a really long time. It's like when the sun rises and the world goes from variations of blue to having color and shape. Things are better, more clear.
I feel like myself for the first time in who knows how long. And more than that, it's a newer, better version of myself.

Good, happy things:
-fall semester starts tomorrow
-I've set a brand new list of goals for myself
-I just downloaded two Jeremy Enigk albums I had been missing (love, love, love)
-new episodes of Doctor Who!

Another thing:
Sometimes when I look back at things I've done in the past I feel embarrassed. And I suppose that's good. It means I'm growing.

2011-08-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep (side effect of the wonder drug) so... naturally I was reading the course syllabus for my IHUM 280R class. One of my required texts is Batman: The Long Halloween.
We will also be watching Poltergeist, Batman, and The Dark Knight.

I have a feeling this class is going to be amazing.

2011-08-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

Good news. I'm feeling better. When these pills work, they realllly work. It's like flipping a switch. The pain stops, the sickness stops, and suddenly I'm back to being myself. I'm exhausted, yes. And it takes time for me to recuperate. But it stops and I can get back to my life. Last year, for whatever reason, I didn't respond to them. (And we all saw how that went.) I'm so happy that they worked this time.

So I'm good. I'm tired - but I'm good.

Other things:
- Have I mentioned how much I love my new house? This is definitely the nicest place I've lived since moving to Provo.
- My new ward seems fantastic.
- I went over my list of goals for this summer and I've managed to complete them all.
- Summer is practically over. One more week until the semester begins and I could not be happier. I've been in this weird state of limbo for the past few months. That feeling is fading away, though, and I think the fresh start I've been waiting for is finally here.

Effingeffeff

2011-08-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the title Mom, I know how you hate that.

ER for the second time this week. Worst timing ever? Yeah, probably.
Sorry for any plans I have to skip out on. Sorry if I've been out of touch.

I don't intend to be admitted here if I can help it. I'll be fine. Just posting so people know what's going on.

a butterfly and a doctor.

2011-08-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Ensures - they're like drinking liquid strength.

I've been feeling ill. But I'm trying to get on top of things before it gets out of control. Been there, done that, no thank you.

On the bright side... I have lots of time to watch Doctor Who right now.

And a bit of a story: Last night before I turned off the lights, a dark shadow slid across my wall. I only saw it out of the corner of my eye, but I was immediately freaked out. It didn't help that I had just finished watching a Doctor Who episode called "Satan's Pit." Then I saw a flutter near my closet and realized that it was just a butterfly. A big one with orange wings. I opened the window to try to set it free, but it wouldn't have any of that. It just kept flitting around on the opposite side of the room. I eventually gave up and had to shut my window when I saw a mosquito buzzing around my room.

Butterfly hung out with me all night and then all day. It flew all over the place in the morning and then slept on the wall near my bed during the afternoon. I finally scooped it up and let it outside this evening. Little guy was missing out on the outdoors, and that's no way for a pretty little butterfly to live.

A NEW CAAA-AR

2011-08-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

I dare you to read the title of this post and not think of the Price is Right.

But are you ready for this news? Friends, take note: I don't have to be a bum and beg for rides anymore.
Goodbye public transportation and all of the, ahem, colorful characters on the bus.

Consider the following scenarios:
It is 10 PM and I realize I am out of milk. The buses are no longer running and my roommates are asleep.
It's cool - I can get in my car and head to the grocery store.

I go to a party and realize that it is no fun. Awkward. Do I have to wait around for my ride to decide that they are also done with this party?
Nope. I can leave. Any. time. I. want.

I'm at school and realize I left my 20,000 point assignment back at my house. Do I get an F?
Nah, it's fine. I can just run home between classes and grab it.

I give you: Lauren's first car.

Forgive the fact that I'm all squinty. I was so excited that I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Also, it was bright.

2011-08-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

So I moved.

Then I moved again.

My new new home seems like it's going to be great.

It's a long story - one I would be happy to tell you at a later date. But for now - let's just say this: MOVING TWICE IN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS IS NOT FUN AND SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED/AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.

Bedouins are crazy. That's what I've decided. Snails are nuts. Carrying their houses with them everywhere they go. Because lemme tell you something. It is exhausting. Sigh. Siiiigh.

But on to the good.

The new place is:

big

open

clean

bright

tasteful.

I intend to host a party ASAP. And you're all invited.

Also, visitors are ~~welcome~~ encouraged. Please come over? It's a little lonely.

farewell to a home.

2011-08-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am moving tomorrow. I am really, really excited for the change. A new place, new roommate, new neighborhood. A change of scenery and an opportunity for a new phase of my life. As I've packed up all of my things, though, I've realized that I'll miss this place. (Not enough to stay another year, or anything - but you know.)

Two year ago, I moved in this house with some of my best friends. It's been a good place to be. Sure - the house is old. And drafty. And crumbling. But it's been my home for two years.

Most of these pictures are from the first year here. I am terrible about taking pictures - so the last year is mostly undocumented. But these should give a good impression of how things have been: bright, crowded, tricksy, and kind of ridiculous.

This house has been a big part of my life. I don't know if I can explain this without sounding really sappy, so sorry in advance. But so many of my memories over the last couple of years took place right here. I've studied, cried, and loved here. I've watched four friends leave here and get married. It's the place where I've felt safe enough to be completely myself. This place has been my home through heartbreaks, happy times, scary things, and so, so many changes. This home, more than any other, is one that I have grown in. It's time to go, but I'll always think of this as my first real home since moving out on my own.

So goodbye to my bright, little home.

to the guys who sit next to me at work

2011-07-29T10:10:00.001-07:00

Sorry my stomach keeps making noises. I guess two chocolate chip cookies is an insufficient breakfast.

too much drama. of the korean variety.

2011-07-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

I really need to stop. But I can't.

Twelve episodes in five days.

(They're each a full hour long.)

Maybe I should quit avoiding the giant list of things I need to get done.

Or maybe I should found out what new, crazy things are happening with Geum JanDi.

Girlfriend goes through a lot. But she is a fighter. A FIGHTER.

I have been accomplishing a few things, though:

I've been making a list of cars to check out.

Work. Every day.

Class schedule? Check. Totally locked in for the fall.

Finances. Making progress.

I cooked myself dinner tonight.

I did the dishes. (Yesterday.)

Sometimes I go running.

I've been doing my laundry on a more regular basis. Kind of. Folding laundry is overrated.

I went to the optometrist today. New pair of contacts! Vision!

I'll work on making this list more impressive.

2011-07-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

I live in a charming little house.

It is the MOST charming of all the houses.

And with so much charm, who needs air conditioning?

Not this girl. Oh ho ho, definitely not me.

Because really, if there were air conditioning in my house then I would be asleep right now.

NOT enjoying my charming house. At one am.

When I have to be up for work in the morning.

And I have red, puffy eyes.

And I'm super tired.

Three and a half weeks left in this sweltering house.

THREE AND A HALF.

weekend tally

2011-07-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

movies watched: three

sweaty naps taken: three

episodes of H20 watched: at least 8

number of walks: four

itchy, itchy bug bites: nine (last time I counted)

popsicles consumed: countless.

Some other numbers:

7 days until the Bingham reunion

3 weeks and 2 days until I go to Arizona

5 weeks until I move

7 weeks until classes begin

I'm going to miss my neighborhood. And I know I'll miss the summer when it's through.

Despite this, I can't help feeling impatient and jittery. I jump through time mentally - looking forward to tomorrow, then next week, then next month. This inevitably leads me through the years until I begin to panic at the thought of old age.

So I go for a run, remind myself that I am still young.

I need to keep working on this "living in the present" thing.

some text.

2011-06-30T21:27:00.001-07:00

I just noticed that my last two posts were essentially pictures and not a whole lot else.

So. Some general updates.

I have housing all worked out for next year. I wish I could move tonight. A private room and private bathroom? Air conditioning? Be still my heart.
I discovered that honey works as a better face wash than anything else I have tried.
My class schedule for the fall is all set. I am actually (kind of) looking forward to this semester.
A friend is teaching me how to make a book. It's coming along really well.
Popsicles. So very many popsicles. Usually while watching H20: Just Add Water.
I cut my hair and remembered why I never grow it out. I am so much happier when it is short.
I bought a new coat. It was on sale and it is beautiful. (I do realize it is almost July. It's fine.)

A bit more:

Where can a girl go to be alone? As in, completely alone. I want a place where I can scream as loud as I want, sing off-key, and pray out loud. Someplace where no one will hear me. The world is too close and I have this really strong need to be alone (even if it's just for a few hours).

helllloooo long weekend. (nearly)

2011-06-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

Beginning in a day and a half:

Lake Powell, friends, my favorite holiday, getting away from Provo for a few days...

It's going to be amazing.

I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this vacation.

fight it.

2011-06-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

No, this post isn't just me posting a bunch of pictures of myself.
Or rather, it is. But it's mostly about what these pictures have in common.

I have this very strong desire to cut it all off again. (This happens from time to time.)

Just think! I can save so much time. It would be so much cooler for the summer. It would make me look so much more sophisticated. And French. Also edgy. So very edgy.

Right? hmmmmmm? right?

and on and on.

2011-06-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things change. And it's funny how some things don't.

So much is different from a month ago.

I was in Canyonlands a month ago. Hiking, actually.
Work was stressing me out and I was feeling pretty bad about school.
I was trying really hard to figure myself out, to get things in order. I was planning for my future. I felt like my future was right there. Like I needed to deal with everything right up front.

Now?

Work is work. I'm doing okay.
School is far enough away that I don't feel the stress of it. (Deep enough into summer that the bad feelings have faded, but not so close to fall that I am worried about the new semester.)

I'm surviving. I wouldn't say thriving or anything. But I'm doing just fine.

I've been working really hard on being more involved in the "right now." I am a version of myself right now, at this moment, that I will never be again. And I feel like I owe it to myself to live my life. Future-Lauren is some other girl. She'll get her chance to live. But for now she just needs to wait. I (right-now-me) am going to try to soak up as much experience as possible.

when it rains it pours; misfortune comes in threes

2011-05-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

I got into my first car accident today. (Everyone's fine, don't worry.)

So that's two.
What next?

(I'm kidding. Really. Nothing else is necessary.)

How to deal:

2011-05-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

Start with Jeremy Enigk's album "World Waits". (Put it on repeat. forever and ever.)

Follow that up with a multi-generational visit to a nail salon. Moms and Nanas know what's up.

Go clothes shopping. (A brand new white shirt will do wonders for your outlook on life. It's symbolic.)

Spend time with friends that listen. Love them.

Keep as busy as you can. (You don't feel like going out and socializing? Tough. Do it anyway.)

Stand in the sunshine as much as possible.

Cry. Cry as much as you want. (No shame.)

Indulge in fried foods.

Then eat the healthiest salad in the world for your next meal.

Take walks. Explore. Get fresh air.

Make some new friends.

Pour your heart out into a journal.

Put that journal on the shelf and start a new one.

Drink tea.

Bake things.

Laugh a little.

Stop feeling guilty for laughing.

Clean some more.

Revert back to your childhood for a little while.

Read things. Books, magazines, the internet. The Whole Internet.

Draw. (With charcoal, so that you get covered in black smudges. Then take a shower. Also symbolic.)

Still don't feel better? Wait it out, I guess.

Bradbury

2011-05-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

I love him. Adore him. He is, hands down, my favorite writer. And the wonderful thing is there is still so much of his writing I have yet to read. He doesn't just write novels and short stories. He also writes poems. Here is an example. A beautiful example. Ray Bradbury, I love you.

Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me About Crying in the Shower?

By Ray Bradbury

Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me About Crying in the Shower?

What a fair fine place to cry.

What a rare place to let go

And know that no one hears---

Let fall your tears which, with the rain that falls,

Appall nobody save yourself, and standing there

You wear your sadness, properly assuaged,

Your head and face massaged by storms of spring

Or, if you think it, autumn rain.

You drain yourself away to naught, the move to joy;

But sadness must come first, it must be bought.

A thirst for melancholy, then, must find its place

To stand in the corners and know grief;

The last leaf on the tree may turn you there,

Or just the way the wind, with cats,

Prowls down the garden grass

Or some boy passing on a bike,

Selling the end of summer with a shout,

Or some toy left like doubt upon a walk,

Or some girl’s smile that, heedless, cracks the heart,

In all your house is empty, still,

Your children gone, their warm rooms chill,

Their summer-oven beds unyeasted, flat,

Waiting for cats to visit some half-remembered ghost

In the long fall.

So, for absolutely no good reason at all

Old oceans rise

One’s eyes are filled with salt;

Something unknown then dies and must be mourned.

Then standing beneath the shower at noon or night

Is right and proper and good--

One’s interior land is wonderfully nourished by tears:

The years that you brought to harvest

Are properly scythed down and laid,

The games of love you played are ribboned and filed, unbound

So freely found then, know it, let it go

From out your eyes and with the sweet rain flow.

But now, good boys, strong gentlemen, take heed:

This stuff is not for women, lost, alone;

The need is yours as well as theirs.

Take women’s wisdom for your own.

Take sorrow’s loan and let your own cares free

Christ, give it a try!

Not to learn how to weep is, lost fool,

But to learn how to die.

Stand weeping there from midnight until morn,

Then from impacted wisdom shorn, set free,

Leap forth to laugh in freshborn children’s hour and shout:

Oh, damn you, maids, that’s what it’s all about?

Sweet widows with your wisdom, blast you all to hell!

Why?

Why, why God, oh why,

Why wouldn’t someone tell me about crying in the shower.

ina garten? really?

2011-05-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

Read this. Seriously.

end of semester

2011-04-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

Research paper: 2/10 pages complete

Total studying accomplished: 0% for 0/4 classes (it will happen eventually.)

I'm busy. But in six days it will all be over. And then it's the summer (mmmmhm).

i love my job.

2011-03-31T18:11:00.001-07:00

I am currently working. Yes - right now. I agreed to help our IT department out with wireless network testing in the dorms. What are my responsibilities for the next two hours?

Surfing the internet.

And writing down a report of the internet speed every 20 minutes.

But really - just surfing the internet.

Life is good. Except this hallway smells like freshman boy.

thank you emma

2011-03-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this on her blog tonight. I've been having a weird few days/weeks/while. This is just what I needed to hear.

2011-03-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like this:

Also:

Only three more weeks + finals, then no more classes for a while.

My seeds are sprouting.

I feel like I'm actually learning things in (some of) my classes.

Good things are happening with work.

Off Day(s)

2011-03-09T18:42:00.001-08:00

Missed the bus, broke a bottle of nail polish, woke up late.

I've been unable to dress myself lately. My room looks like I've been burgled by the time I leave for school in the morning.

General feelings of unease, etc.

Just having an off day (or rather, an off week).

To fix this I have been cleaning everything in sight and attempting to cut down on sources of stress (getting homework assignments out of the way, tackling things I've been putting off).

But still. Feeling weird.

Sigh. Harumph.

Spring? Please?

2011-03-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

It's getting closer, guys. Lovely weather, sandals, swimming pools, popsicles, happiness.

(Which isn't to say I am not happy right now. Because I am very, very happy.)

ekkknwekjbbwwr

2011-02-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

Baby animals. Lots of em. Click on the panda. You will not regret it.

another one of those list posts

2011-02-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

Things that make me happy:
cleaning my house and keeping it that way
listening to girly music
seeing my perfume bottles all lined up on the dresser
finding old letters and treasures buried in drawers
being able to just live (not budgeting energy, not having to cancel on people, going to school and work and having a social life)
going without a winter coat
having a clear head
and probably you, if you are reading this.

I spent an hour or two this morning reading archived emails from the past couple of years (...It was a slow day at work.)
It was like a journal of sorts. There were a bunch from when Becky lost her cell phone a couple of years ago. Her main form of communication became email (and also gchat). There were a ton of silly conversations that I found - nothing especially earth shattering, just back and forth stuff with a friend. I also found lots of emails that I wrote last summer to Sophie, Paige, and Nicole while they were all far away. And a bunch of little notes between Lana and I - because we couldn't get through an entire day of work or class without talking to each other. Even though we would see each other when we got home at night. There were links to news articles and ridiculous flash games that I had sent to people and that they had sent to me. Pictures, forwards, and web comics exchanged and laughed at.

It was interesting, though, how reading those emails took me straight back to the mindset I had been in when I wrote/read them. I remembered a lot of the events mentioned, but time had changed my memory of them. The words in the messages brought things back much more accurately. Time does funny things to memory.

Feel free to ignore the actual video - but I'm listening to this right now. My room is warm and smells like cinnamon, my bed is very soft, and I don't have anything pressing to do. Happy, content, comfortable.

Radiohead - Lotus Flower

2011-02-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

Mmmhmmmm. Exactly what I needed.

2011-02-14T20:02:00.001-08:00

Just in case I wasn't feeling bad enough... I consumed mass quantities of sugar and fat. The result? A (very) brief sugar high followed by lots of crying. Ughghghghghghg.gggghhhhh.

And I love Valentine's Day.

Sorry, Blogger. I know that you don't deserve to be dragged down to this level. It's just that I no longer have a livejournal for this type of pathetic post. (I mean, what is this - 2003? Geez.)

2011-01-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

Oh, hey there cold. School just started this week. How did you know you would be so welcome?

Bah.

bah. humbug.

2010-12-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

I woke up late this morning and was in a huge rush to get to work on time. I even had to skip breakfast! (And that makes me sad.)

So imagine how much sadder I became when I stepped out my front door and was confronted with snow. Lots and lots of snow. It was deep and still falling.

I dug my car out and drove over to campus. Because it was so snowy and cold and sucky, I decided to park in a little alley just south of where I work. This turned out to be the biggest joke in the world.

I got stuck in the snow. Luckily, I had tossed the snow shovel in my back seat from when I originally dug myself out at my house. I got out of my car and tried to free my car. Of course I looked crazed and was struggling a lot. A kind stranger happened to be walking past right then and he offered to help. We eventually got the car dug out of the snow and tried to park it... when it SLID INTO THE GUTTER. Did I mention I was already running late? Gah.

The kind stranger helped me get the car out and park it. (notice my distress in the illustration below. also, those are muscles - not tumors - on the guy's arms)

Thirty minutes later, I walked into work - breathing heavily and crusted in cold, cold snow.

So thanks stranger. You are a kind soul. You probably ended up a lot colder and more exhausted than you expected to when you initially offered to help me.

Oh, and my supervisor let me leave work for a few minutes after I arrived so that I could eat a bagel from the vending machine. Hooray!

2010-11-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Self,

You know how sometimes you see things that remind you of your childhood? and you get all nostalgic and want to relive it? Well, when that thing is boxed macaroni and cheese - just tell yourself no and move along. It is a waste of 85 cents. You will regret it.

awake. still.

2010-11-29T05:14:00.000-08:00

For some reason I am unable to sleep on nights like these. There is snow on the ground and the sky has that strange reddish glow. I toss and turn for hours. I try every combination of blankets and pillows, arranging them in every possible way. But still - no luck falling asleep. And all the while I just keep thinking and thinking with no way to turn it off.

I have a lot of things to get done tomorrow.

Bank, grocery shopping, post office, laundry, cleaning.

I'm thinking of Christmas gifts.

And of snow.

And of work,

school starting in January,

internships?,

tuition,

loans,

medical bills,

medicalhealthmumbojumbo,

whatdoesthatmeanformeinthelongrun?,

howcanIeverplanforanything?,

what am I doing with my life?,

and on and on.

The rational part of my brain chimes in every so often.

There's nothing that I can do tonight about anything. Right now it's time to relax and go to sleep. And besides - things will all work out. Getting stressed about things does not help them.

Calm down, let it all go, sleep.

And for about five minutes I do calm down. I start to settle in a bit more.

But then I start thinking again. And all my limbs feel jumpy. And I can't figure out why I feel like leaping out of bed and going for a run.

Because it is FIVE IN THE MORNING. And there is snow on the ground. And it is dark and cold and miserable.

happyhappyhappy

2010-11-12T09:43:00.000-08:00

People are probably sick of hearing about this. And I'm sick of thinking about it, really. But the last couple of months have been kind of awful. It's all very personal and chances are (if you read this) you already know quite a bit about it - so I'll skip the details.

What people may not know about though (or at least not many) is how anxious I've been feeling. It's been more difficult to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened than I anticipated. The last few weeks have been a huge improvement health-wise, but they've been hard in other ways.

But the title of this post is not a lie. Life is getting bright and full again, I'm chilling out, things are good.

I'm sleeping better than I have since August.

I have been spending lots of time with people I adore.

My family is around and as crazy as ever.

I am dating someone wonderful.

I'll have a job again in just a few weeks.

The weather has been beautiful. (Keep holding on, Provo. Don't give in to winter just yet.)

I had a hard time believing things would be like this again. But here we all are! Hooray!

I'm very, very happy and honestly can't think of anything I would want or need beyond what I have right now.

fish taco tuesday

2010-11-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

sweet heaven.

it's the happiest part of my week.

what is the ONE THING I have been craving for weeks above all the other things?

why, fish tacos, of course!

This is one of those weekends that could go either way.

2010-11-05T09:40:00.001-07:00

There are a million things going on.

Today: Guy Fawkes Day, a wedding, potential family stuff

Tomorrow: crepe party in the morning at my parents' house, Festival of Lights, other party

Sunday: Break the fast, various activities

Add to this list the unexpected plans, the whims, and my desire to go out to eat too many times.

Then there are the other two possibilities:

first,

I will just lock myself in my room where I will knit, read Bradbury, and snuggle in my bed (avoiding all contact with the outside world and loving it).

and the second,

I will end up on someone's couch watching a movie (also not such a bad option).

This Week

2010-11-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

(I have since listened to this song approximately 25 times)

(unpacking my mom's kitchen)

(the last time I looked at this bottle was September)

There has been a lot more, of course. But these are the things that are standing out right now.

2010-10-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I never have anything to say. I've tried to update you five times daily for the past week... but it just hasn't been happening.

I'll try harder. Here are a few things:

- Yay! for better health than I've had in a loooong time.

- Yay! for giggly, ridiculous happiness.

- My family is moving to Provo this SATURDAY.

- I am in need of some sort of occupation for the next two months. I'm thinking gift wrap specialist at a department store?

- There are several birthdays, weddings, and other big events coming up. I need to get on that.

- I'm very excited for Sufjan next Monday.

- I need to stop getting winded going up a flight of stairs. Treadmill - it's time we got acquainted.

So Blog, better than nothing?

Sincerely,

Lauren

all you need is a cat

2010-10-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

Day thirteen of the hospital.

Yes, I now know the majority of the nurses.

I know what time they deliver meals, when the crazy shift changes occur (and therefore - when to ask for meds because the nurses will be too busy otherwise), and I know the best way to tie a hospital gown (without help thankyouverymuch).

Last night my nurse came in and looked around my room.

"This place is too homey," she said as I sat knitting by the light of my Tiffany lamp (thank you, Julia), Jim Dale narrating Harry Potter quietly in the background.

"The only thing you need to complete this picture is a cat curled up on the bed. Next time be sure to bring a cat." She paused and continued, "...only don't. Because there shouldn't be a next time. And cats are probably a bad idea in the hospital."

"You need to go home," she said.

And I think I will go home soon. Hopefully. Maybe.

overwhelmed by the love

2010-09-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I could not have imagined a better birthday. I don't know who actually reads this blog - but I just want to state publicly that I have never felt more loved than I do right now. Yesterday was a perfect day. The cards, phone calls, unbelievably thoughtful gifts, birthday wishes, and (most importantly) the company of my favorite people in the world made my 21st birthday the best birthday I've had to date.

So thank you, guys. Sincerely. I felt the love and I wanted to let you know that the feeling is mutual.

order

2010-09-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm putting my life back in order.

This pretty much sums it up:

(from hyperbole and a half)

things i love, want, am reveling in, can't stop thinking about

2010-09-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

trains,

but I can't find a picture that sums it up correctly.

So many changes going on right now.

I am happy for you -- each of you. I mean it sincerely.

Your announcements are all so monumentally wonderful. Life is blossoming all around right now. It's a lot to take in.

I'll be a better cousin/sister/friend. That's an apology, a promise, and a resolution.

I feel like I just took my first full breath in weeks.

here are some positives

2010-09-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I have :

a family that takes care of me and loves me.

friends that are thoughtful, kind, and giving.

a nice place to live and a comfortable bed.

access to everything I need.

books all around me.

Today I found a Stars song that I had never heard.

I got to see my brother Kevin.

My grandparents brought me Ensures and told me they loved me.

My mom talked to me on the phone 600 times today because she cares about me, not because I had anything interesting to talk about.

I actually got my room picked up.

I made it to work, at least for part of the morning.

The book I'm (re)reading is as good as I remember it being.

My nails are painted red.

I bought a new journal.

I am getting ready to set new goals.

Sitting out on the porch today did not result in any bug bites.

I know there are lots of things to be happy about.

I cannot control everything.

Things will work out eventually.

Self soothing.

Okay.

to be remembered

2010-09-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been making these lists. They have titles like "Things to be Remembered" and "Things Not to Forget".

These are lists of life's little details. Memories have a terrible habit of fading away. I will remember generalities - but even those get worn smooth into outlines of stories, people, places. It's like old mountain ranges that sag in gentle curves. The basic shape is still there, but they lose the vitality of the original. The things that survive in my memory are so limited.

I've been trying to capture the tiny things before they dissapear. The sprinklers that gush out onto the sidewalk while I'm waiting for the bus, the way the last of the summer heat feels through an open window, and the smell of my laundry detergent as I fold clothes.

These lists are scribbled on the backs of receipts, in the margins of my class notes, and in the pages of my journal. There is no way that I could possibly record everything, but I write down the details that seem important. There are some things I just don't want lost.

a perfect storm

2010-08-25T04:18:00.000-07:00

It is 4 am and I am awake. (5 am Utah time)

Why?

Because we drove from Provo to Mesa yesterday. And we left at 12:30 am.

Which means I did not sleep yesterday.

I arrived at my parents' home, took a shower, and then went to see Thomas - hairdresser and friend extraordinaire. After me, my mother, and my nana had all been trimmed and blow-dried, we headed back to my nana's home. My cousin met us there with four enormous pizzas from Barros (the most wonderful pizza in the world).

Did I mentioned that the only thing I had eaten for 24 hrs previous to this had been an egg muffin thing from McDonalds?

Did I further mention that yesterday was the hottest day of the year in Arizona?

So picture this: no sleep, no food, very little water, and overwhelming heat.

Which is why I inhaled three slices of pizza and then promptly passed out on my grandparents' couch. I woke up long enough to come back to my parents' home, strip down, and fall fast asleep.

I woke up just now because I was hot, dehydrated, and feeling weird.

One glass of water and a blog post later and I am ready for round two of sleep.

But not round two of pizza.

Tomorrow (today?) I am eating nothing but vegetables.

Good night. morning. sleep.

2010-08-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

My favorite season is ending. It's still hot outside, but the sun is setting earlier with every passing day. I'm starting to feel fall coming on. Sweaters, textbooks, hours spent in the library or in a classroom... all of these things are getting closer and closer. Each time I complain about the my room being hot or compete for rights to the fan a little voice in my head reminds me that soon I won't be able to feel my toes. I'll spend my days sipping hot cocoa and shivering under layers of heavy, too-tight clothing.

My favorite season has always been summer. It wasn't because school was out (the reason so many other school children loved it) - but because of the way life slows down and becomes so much sweeter.

I'm going to miss the late nights where the concrete holds on to the day's warmth. The lazy mornings, waking up with a room yellow with an early rising sun. I'm even going to miss the bugs - the crickets, the bees, and the ants.

I wrote in my journal at the end of last spring about my feelings of apprehension toward this summer. Most of my dearest friends were leaving for far off places, I was looking at long days staring at a computer screen, and I had visions of last summer's struggles on my mind.

I had some unpleasant things (and a lot of really great things) occur this sumer. Looking back now I can see that a lot of good has come out of it. I've made new friends, had new experiences, and grown into myself a little more.

I hope that the things I've gained these past few months don't fade away with the flowers and the hum of summer. I'm happier than I've ever been and I'd like to keep heading in this direction.

so tempted to cut my hair again

2010-08-08T21:30:00.001-07:00

be careful what you wish for

2010-08-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

I need to get out of town for a few days. Do something new, have a change of scenery, shake off my identity for a little while. I get like this when life gets too formulaic.

It's true that the weeks have been flying by. But it's not because they are packed with anything novel or exciting. It's because I can say to myself on any given day, "Well, today is Monday (or Tuesday or Wednesday...) so I know exactly what I will be doing." This type of predictability can be comforting and make me feel secure and safe... but sometimes (like now) it just makes me feel trapped, bored, and restless. I know what is coming next so I just tune out. It's like white noise.

Nothing about my life is bad. I love my family, my friends, my home. I am lucky to have such a great job and to be in such an ideal situation. So really, I'm not complaining. I couldn't wish for anything better, exactly. But I just wish for things to be a little bit different.

stewart falls

2010-07-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty great day.

I slept in and had a really lazy morning. Around noon, I headed over to Maleah's to babysit baby Makani. She's about eight or nine months old (Soph - help me out on this one, I can't remember) and is at one of my favorite ages. She sits up on her own and likes to play - but she hasn't quite figured out how to crawl. This means a stationary baby that is easy to occupy. And Makani is probably the most easy going baby I've ever known, so the three hours I spent with her consisted of lots of giggling (mostly me) and drooling (mostly her). I didn't bring a camera, so I don't have any photos to share. But picture this: a wide, toothless grin, next to no hair, wide eyes, and big kissable cheeks. So precious.

Also, this baby is currently teething and she STILL wasn't fussy or disagreeable. I'm not exaggerating when I say - most. easygoing. baby. ever.

After babysitting, Jon came and picked me up. We made lunch at his house and then headed up to Sundance. We hiked up to Stewart Falls and had a really nice afternoon/early evening. And I do have pictures of this - so get ready.

The landscape was absolutely gorgeous. We rode the lift up, hiked over to the falls, and then hiked back down.

This is a picture of what we saw from the lift:

I get pretty nervous when it comes to heights, so parts of the hike were a bit nerve-wracking (think narrow trail with a sheer drop on one side). Surprisingly the ride up in the lift wasn't too scary. I think because it's manmade and has a security bar I had a false sense of security. Like, "Oh! Sundance maintains this. There's no way I could ever fall out and die. No big deal." Although I couldn't help but think about this story I read a few months ago.

The whole hike was just gorgeous. I couldn't get over it.

The falls themselves were really pretty too. And cold. And very tall.

The water was SO COLD. Jon insisted upon us taking a picture of our feet in the water. I agreed but immediately regretted it.

This is a picture Jon took on our way back down. You can see the waterfall off in the distance.

One of my favorite parts of the hike was the fairy throne. It was in this area where the trees were really dense and the stream got shallow enough to easily wade through it. In the center of the stream was a stump in the shape of a throne.

Fairies. Or drops of water on the lens. Whatever.

And then, of course, the drive home. The drive down the canyon always seems so much shorter than the drive up.

After the hike I came home and showered (which felt really amazing). Then Jon came and picked me up again. We also got Braden on the way and then we went over to Tom's to watch The Girl Who Leapt Through Time. I was the only one who had seen it before and I was really excited to have everyone watch it. In the end, I think they liked it (but probably not as much as I do). We played Soul Calibur for a while and then watched the Mammals episode of Life (as narrated by David Attenborough, not Oprah).

By the time I got home it was really, really late. So late, in fact, that Lana was just getting up. That was a weird exchange - good morning! good night!

Anyway, a great day from start to finish.

what i like to call "getting back on track"

2010-07-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

New goals:
- go to bed at a decent time
- spend less money eating out/going to movies
- read at least one book each week for the rest of the summer
- keep my bedroom picked up
- get out of bed when my alarm goes off (so that I have time to shower and so that Lana doesn't have to listed to Yelle or Sugar Ray every five minutes for half the morning)
- do something active at least three times per week
- cut back on sugar (no more buying sweet things)
- focus on being a better friend, roommate, daughter, etc. and less on things that don't really matter

Lately I've become really lackadaisical, listless, languid, lazy, leaden - I think you get the picture - about things/my life/everything. No more. I will not fall back on any of my usual excuses - "it's too hot", "but it's summer", "I forgot to eat lunch so these five rice krispy treats are really just balancing out the missed calories".

I had very lofty goals at the beginning of this summer. And again towards the middle. Somewhere in the last couple of weeks, though, I lost my footing and ended up meandering around. I know exactly what happened and I know just what I need to do to fix this.

woke up with an earwig pinching my neck. dreadful.

2010-07-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

I've been at work for an hour and a half. But I'm already feeling restless.

This should be an interesting week.

a list of happy things

2010-07-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

Things I love:
-when the clock has my birthday on it (9:27)
-being half way between dreaming and waking up
-clean bathtubs
-perfume
-working Monday through Thursday (three day weekends every week)
-summer nights
-clean hair
-music that brings back memories

naptime

2010-07-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

i need to start going to sleep earlier

it's the most wonderful time of the year

2010-07-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Forget sleigh bells and carols - give me fireworks, barbecues, and swimming pools. Because the most wonderful time of the year is not in December.

It's summer.

And it finally feels like summer.
Really and truly.
The sun shines and doesn't set until nine. The breeze is warm, popsicles and juice are my primary source of nourishment, I stay up way too late, and I am barefoot most of the time.

Green grass and sprinklers and hiking and walks along the Provo river trail.
Bike rides in the evenings.
Late night movies, ice cream cones.
Shorts, no make up, sitting in the shade.

The mourning doves coo in the trees. The stars are bright and the sky is clear.
We keep the house dark and cool.
I sleep with my windows open. Listen to the trains as I fall asleep.

People have lost that manic look they get during the school year. (Pinched and sallow, dark circles under their eyes.)
Their faces are freckled and brown. Flushed cheeks and smiles.

I love summer.

why i cannot sleep

2010-06-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

A little fly is buzzing all around my room. It makes me think of the Emily Dickens poem called Dying.

I heard a fly buzz when I died;
The stillness round my form
Was like the stillness in the air
Between the heaves of storm.

The eyes beside had wrung them dry,
And breaths were gathering sure
For that last onset, when the king
Be witnessed in his power.

I willed my keepsakes, signed away
What portion of me I
Could make assignable,-and then
There interposed a fly,

With blue, uncertain, stumbling buzz,
Between the light and me;
And then the windows failed, and then
I could not see to see

2010-06-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

things i learned today:
-j dawgs is generally (always) a bad choice.
-bike rides make you feel a lot better about life
-sometimes it's a good idea to just move along and let go

Lately I've taken to wearing a certain piece of jewelry that a certain cousin gave to me last summer. I mean, I've worn it pretty often since it was given to me... but lately I've been extra conscientious about putting it on in the morning. I've been trying to remember what it means. Soph, have I mentioned how much I appreciate you? Because I do. A great deal.

sometimes i think too much.

2010-06-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

i need a hobby.

suggestions?
nothing crafty, please and thank you.

I need to watch Dirty Dancing.

2010-06-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

I'm missing several people very much.

Paige, Nicole, Sophie, and Becktron - leave Africa. Come home to me.

a brief note to the world

2010-06-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when things are at their worst, I forget how absolutely wonderful you are. I mean, sure, there are a lot of bad things. Disease, war, selfishness. But there is a lot of good too. I love the way the sun feels on my skin and the way the air feels first thing in the morning. I love pop music in the summertime, reading out on the lawn, and spending time with people who are dear to me.

So I apologize for forgetting how great you are. You are always so patient and you always find a way to remind that life is filled with happiness (if I am just willing to see it).
Thank you.
I promise I will try my best to remember how I'm feeling right now.

dreams that don't make sense

2010-06-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that I got lost in Provo. I had just left the house of an elderly woman. There had been about thirty hipsters crowded in her tiny living room. They were all watching Gilmore Girls and being cool in the way that makes you wonder if they ever crack a smile. I told brother Ryan that I needed to leave. It was late and I had class in the morning. He kept saying we would leave, but got distracted by something each time we started to go. Finally I just got up to leave without him. The old woman kissed my cheek and told me how much I'd grown. I didn't know that I had known her as a child.
I left the house and started to walk home, following the GPS on my phone. I made a wrong turn and ended up in the middle of a rice paddy. A threatening looking man biked up next to me and would not leave me alone. I stepped off the dirt road in the hope that he would just pass by. A family with a dozen small children paraded by - some of them in little red wagons and some of them on bikes. Once they'd gone, the man on the bicycle began to move in closer and closer to me. I was getting a little more panicked when out of nowhere hot Ryan showed up on a skinny framed bike. He was wearing an old fashioned police uniform. He had a bronze whistle around his neck. He started chatting with the threatening man, which made me nervous until I realized that he was trying to intimidate the guy into leaving me alone. I wasn't sure whether I could trust either of them, so I ducked into a secondhand store to wait out the night. I fell asleep in a pile of old stuffed animals and woke up in a puddle of antifreeze.

Then I woke up for real on the top bunk in Amy's room, feeling overheated and groggy.

Edit:
According to every online "dream resource"...
antifreeze
to see or use antifreeze in your dream, suggests that you are being emotionally cold and perhaps need to warm up to others more.

A few weeks ago I also dreamt that I was stranded in the snow crying antifreeze tears.

Please note that I generally have pretty weird but pleasant dreams. I've just had a few weird(er), more upsetting ones lately.

poetry, chlorine, and life

2010-06-08T00:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I slept in, spent the morning cleaning the house, and then went swimming with Amy. Once I started to feel my winter skin stinging in the sun, Amy and I decided to get dressed and go to the farmer's market. We stopped for lunch on the way and spent some time talking and taking photos together. As she chewed thoughtfully on a chicken nugget, my sister said something that got me thinking. She squinted at me the way she does when she has something serious to say, looked me up and down, and said, "You are very different from the way you were when you were little." She went on to say that I look different, I act different, and I am just different all around. She followed that up with, "You used to be kind of chubby." Such a little gem.

But my little sister's lack of sensitivity is not the point here. I really am different from the girl I was when I was her age (ten). I've evolved from a dreamy, bookish child, into an insecure high school freshman, to a world-weary eighteen year old cynic. I graduated high school and went off to college - starting on the journey that brought me to my current state (a dreamy, bookish, but vastly different twenty year old).

To say that I get nostalgic in the summer would be an understatement. Not that intro-/retro-spection are uncommon activities for me. Anyone that knows me well would agree that I spend a lot of time tucked into my own head. But the summer time has always felt like the end of things. It's a chance to take stock of the events of the preceding year and to set new goals. Blame it on fifteen years of being a student, but I've said it before and I'll say it again - the calendar may change in January, but the new year begins with the scent of pencils and a new pair of shoes.

Of those fifteen years of student-hood, I feel like this past year has swept me farther away from shore than I've ever been before. Through everything, I know I've become stronger, more independent, and much more comfortable in my own skin. I've started working out what my priorities are and what I want out of life. My beliefs are taking on a more defined shape. I see the world through new eyes.

There is a lot that I could say. I could start listing all of the things I've learned and I could try to share some of my new found convictions. But there is just too much to include in one silly blog post.

What I would like to say, though, is that I am happier now than I have ever been. I am writing poetry again and I've dusted off my sketchbook. Life is full of beauty and I wish that I could find a way to show people that.

So Amy, thanks for the chat. Just don't call me chubby again, k?

really?

2010-06-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

This has been driving me crazy for nearly two years.

Two summers ago I was on a late-night crawl through the labyrinth that is Wikipedia. Somewhere in my trawling I came across a small bit of trivia. I was surprised to learn that there was a special name for a particular type of architectural ornament. "Cool," I thought to myself. "I'll store that away for future use."

Being in an only semi-lucid state, however, I neglected to bookmark the Wikipedia page. Besides, I have a great memory and normally have no trouble recalling these things. (That was a joke, there, in case you were wondering.)

Months later, I saw one of these little devils hanging in a garden somewhere and said, "Oh! Did you know that there is a name for those? It's... it's... uh......". And I drew a complete blank.

Today I was determined to solve the mystery. I put one of my most prominent talents to work - stringing together the perfect search terms to find just about anything on Google - and found the Wikipedia page again.

So, what are the called?
Green men.
They are called GREEN MEN.

How sad.

dating is hard and other realizations

2010-06-02T21:41:00.001-07:00

Something I realized: Dating is hard. And I am such a rookie.
Ah, well. Maybe someday I will get it right. In the mean time - let's just hope my blundering doesn't end up causing too many problems for people.

I've been having that feeling lately like it is time for an overhaul. A personality, life, everything-type overhaul. I've got a 12ish hour drive ahead of me this weekend - so that will give me some time to come up with a course of action. (Think diagrams.) I've already wasted away the first quarter of my summer. It's definitely time to get down to business.

Brainstorming:
I need to work on
- my intellectual/educational pursuits. Summer is not an excuse for losing sight of my goals. It is time to be preparing for the coming year, exploring new avenues of thinking, etc etc.
- the way I interact (or don't) with other people. There are a lot of things that will be going into this category. It's time to be more assertive and self-assured. Enough of this grass in the wind business.
- dating. Focus more on meeting people, getting out, making friends. Learn how to date. Stop kissing on the first date and freaking out after the second.
- my sense of style. It's time to get one.
- my health.
- financeeessssss.

Okay. A good start.

2010-05-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

things I dislike:
illness
needles
snow (in may. AT THE END OF MAY.)
long days at work
the fact that my house is never, ever, nevereverevereverever quiet. ever.

things i like:
french fries with fry sauce (Even after I've been sick. Maybe especially after I've been sick)
clean houses
juice
kind grandparents
good friends
naps
miracle pills
upcoming vacations

phil collins

2010-05-14T21:34:00.001-07:00

somehow i always feel better after a little phil.

summer

2010-05-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's difficult to think of this as summer vacation when it is still cold all the time. But it feels like summer in every other way. My schedule is crazy (sleeping at odd hours, eating whenever, etc), I am completely lacking in motivation, and I've been sinking into a weird, lethargic, direction-less state.

Take away my structure (classes, papers, due dates) and I become this jelly-like substance.

Then throw in a little ~~romance~~ insecurity/etc. and I am a complete wreck.

Should I be posting this on the world wide web...?

Um. That's about it for now, I suppose.

i really like this song.

2010-05-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

i feel like it will probably be stuck in my head (and now yours) for a long time.

Sweet Lips, Scentwell and Vulcan

2010-05-02T17:10:00.001-07:00

The names of George Washington's dogs.

2010-04-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

so
six more french classes.
three more economics and humanities classes.
one more religion class.

then
four finals.

then
NO SCHOOL FOR FOUR MONTHS.

yeah.

2010-03-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

owwwwww.

hiccups while trying to go to bed.

they're the kind that hurt in my chest.

way back machine

2010-03-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

I love the Way Back Machine. An internet archive.

You can look at snapshots of webpages from the past. For example, I was able to find my old Geocities website. Horrendously embarrassing.

I give you Lauren, circa 2002.

I was twelve. Don't be too harsh.

thirteen days of class. THEN SUMMER VACATION.

2010-03-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

The weather is warming up, this semester is nearly over, things are budding outside, and I'm digging out my spring and summer wardrobe.

And, as always occurs with the changing of the seasons... a new phase of music has arrived.

Check out my newest playlist entitled "stuff for the end of the semester aka SPRING":

dreams

2010-03-23T15:49:00.001-07:00

http://www.semesteratsea.org/

Hmmmmm???

Flirt in a Cave - wikiHow

2010-03-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

Flirt in a Cave - wikiHow

What? Really?

wikiHow... you've done it again.

weepies

2010-03-15T10:46:00.001-07:00

i hadn't heard this song before. thank you, benton, and your shared itunes library.

LOVE

2010-03-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

obsession is putting it mildly.

current playlist consists of:

LOVE - Angels & Airwaves

Viva La Vida - Coldplay

The Execution of All Things - Rilo Kiley

Perfect combination for early spring/late winter.

currently

2010-03-08T11:54:00.001-08:00

I feel like things have gone a little strange lately. You know the idea that there are infinite numbers of parallel universes? The idea that for every choice that gets made, a new universe branches off from the one where the choice was made?

Well, I feel like somehow I got off track and have somehow strayed away from the natural progression. Like my life was on a fairly predictable trajectory. That I knew what to expect. But recently it feels like the world is a bizarre series of collisions. Things happen that are just strange.

Some friends from middle school just got married. Two people I would never have imagined getting together.

I keep running into people from the past.

Or running into people from the present, but in places where I wouldn't expect them to be.

Unexpected connections and friendships (that make no real sense) crop up. I start talking to someone and realize the criss-crossing and overlapping relationships we all share.

It's like the world is just chaos. My choices certainly impact what is going to happen next... so I do feel that there is a certain amount of control involved here. But the combination of the billions of people on this planet each making their own choices, the animal and plant life that exists (along with with its impact on the world), and the colliding bodies and matter in the universe... I mean, it really shouldn't be such a surprise when such bizarre things happen.

Think of the walruses. How those things evolved and survived. How did they get here? How did nature not give those things the boot ages ago? They are enormous, fat, waddling creatures with overgrown teeth.

Think of mankind. Who we are, what we feel, what we do.

Think of our lives. How we become the people we are. How we manage to survive. How fragile a human being is. And yet how strong.

These are the things I am currently considering.

2010-03-06T17:31:00.001-08:00

and i finished Felicity.

i miss my baby sister

2010-03-06T17:16:00.001-08:00

we are identical.

it's sunny outside

2010-03-01T11:58:00.000-08:00

Eight weeks. Counting this one. Then I will be done with finals.

I started out disliking this semester immensely. I still don't like my work schedule. At all. And things get kind of crazy sometimes. But I am feeling pretty good about things right now. It's funny, because I was feeling kind of off balance, as I tend to get. I felt like something was off. I realize now that nothing was wrong. Just the opposite. There are no big problems; things are hectic but manageable, I've been healthy lately, and I'm content with things as they are. I think that sometimes I get used to living with a "just get through it" mentality. I have been holding my breath, waiting for the next unpleasant thing to creep up. But really, sometimes life is just good. Nothing bad, nothing especially exciting. Just steady and nice. I need to focus on enjoying what I have right now, rather than worrying about what could be just around the corner.

Please note that I just knocked on the wooden table next to me.

Anyway, the point is: I'm happy. I am enjoying the current state of things. I am learning so much in my classes, I have a great home (which I can continue living in for the next year. I signed on through August 2011), and I have friends I care about very much. There are little stresses, but nothing especially alarming. Things are good.

2010-02-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

Freshman year of Felicity in one weekend.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

My favorite day of the year. Winter is starting to let up (at least for the moment), there are candy and heart shaped cookies everywhere, I get to make and receive Valentines' cards, and I have license to be as romantic and silly as I want.

Also, check out how long my hair has grown.

Caught in the crossfire of yet another awkward Terrace conversation.

2010-01-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

Every single day.

I sit, eating my bagel and cream cheese. I am at a nice quiet table, with nice quiet people. All of us wearing headphones and minding our own business. But somewhere in the middle of my bagel eating, my table companions leave me and are replaced with

LOUD,

OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE

who find it completely necessary to carry on a conversation that is at least one of the following:

-forced

-awkward

-hostile

-boring

How does this happen?

In other news, my bagel was especially good today.

2010-01-12T16:39:00.001-08:00

I hereby swear off Taco Bell.

Gross.

I hate you Cougareat for reducing me to eating such gross food.

I move that I resolve to...

2009-12-31T14:36:00.001-08:00

I would like to add the following to my list of resolutions for 2010:

Exercise at least 3-4 times per week.
Do not cut hair. DO NOT CUT HAIR. DO NOT CUT HAIR.
Save money and pay tithing.

music

2009-12-30T00:24:00.000-08:00

Emily told me about this and I liked it so I'm sharing it and I hope you like it too and it's a cool video and sound.

RUN. ON. SENTENCE.

Ddukbokki

2009-12-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

I made Korean food tonight! It turned out really well, which was surprising. I have had this particular dish at Sam Hawk in Provo many, many times. Tonight, while at an Asian market, I saw some rice cakes and could not resist. I made a bunch for my family and some friends tonight. Delicious.