overwhelmed by the love

I could not have imagined a better birthday. I don't know who actually reads this blog - but I just want to state publicly that I have never felt more loved than I do right now. Yesterday was a perfect day. The cards, phone calls, unbelievably thoughtful gifts, birthday wishes, and (most importantly) the company of my favorite people in the world made my 21st birthday the best birthday I've had to date.

So thank you, guys. Sincerely. I felt the love and I wanted to let you know that the feeling is mutual.

order

I'm putting my life back in order.

This pretty much sums it up:

(from hyperbole and a half)

things i love, want, am reveling in, can't stop thinking about

&

trains,

but I can't find a picture that sums it up correctly.

So many changes going on right now.

I am happy for you -- each of you. I mean it sincerely.

Your announcements are all so monumentally wonderful. Life is blossoming all around right now. It's a lot to take in.

I'll be a better cousin/sister/friend. That's an apology, a promise, and a resolution.

I feel like I just took my first full breath in weeks.

here are some positives

I have :

a family that takes care of me and loves me.

friends that are thoughtful, kind, and giving.

a nice place to live and a comfortable bed.

access to everything I need.

books all around me.

Today I found a Stars song that I had never heard.

I got to see my brother Kevin.

My grandparents brought me Ensures and told me they loved me.

My mom talked to me on the phone 600 times today because she cares about me, not because I had anything interesting to talk about.

I actually got my room picked up.

I made it to work, at least for part of the morning.

The book I'm (re)reading is as good as I remember it being.

My nails are painted red.

I bought a new journal.

I am getting ready to set new goals.

Sitting out on the porch today did not result in any bug bites.

I know there are lots of things to be happy about.

I cannot control everything.

Things will work out eventually.

Self soothing.

Okay.

to be remembered

Lately I've been making these lists. They have titles like "Things to be Remembered" and "Things Not to Forget".

These are lists of life's little details. Memories have a terrible habit of fading away. I will remember generalities - but even those get worn smooth into outlines of stories, people, places. It's like old mountain ranges that sag in gentle curves. The basic shape is still there, but they lose the vitality of the original. The things that survive in my memory are so limited.

I've been trying to capture the tiny things before they dissapear. The sprinklers that gush out onto the sidewalk while I'm waiting for the bus, the way the last of the summer heat feels through an open window, and the smell of my laundry detergent as I fold clothes.

These lists are scribbled on the backs of receipts, in the margins of my class notes, and in the pages of my journal. There is no way that I could possibly record everything, but I write down the details that seem important. There are some things I just don't want lost.