awake. still.

For some reason I am unable to sleep on nights like these. There is snow on the ground and the sky has that strange reddish glow. I toss and turn for hours. I try every combination of blankets and pillows, arranging them in every possible way. But still - no luck falling asleep. And all the while I just keep thinking and thinking with no way to turn it off.

I have a lot of things to get done tomorrow.

Bank, grocery shopping, post office, laundry, cleaning.

I'm thinking of Christmas gifts.

And of snow.

And of work,

school starting in January,

internships?,

tuition,

loans,

medical bills,

medicalhealthmumbojumbo,

whatdoesthatmeanformeinthelongrun?,

howcanIeverplanforanything?,

what am I doing with my life?,

and on and on.

The rational part of my brain chimes in every so often.

There's nothing that I can do tonight about anything. Right now it's time to relax and go to sleep. And besides - things will all work out. Getting stressed about things does not help them.

Calm down, let it all go, sleep.

And for about five minutes I do calm down. I start to settle in a bit more.

But then I start thinking again. And all my limbs feel jumpy. And I can't figure out why I feel like leaping out of bed and going for a run.

Because it is FIVE IN THE MORNING. And there is snow on the ground. And it is dark and cold and miserable.

happyhappyhappy

People are probably sick of hearing about this. And I'm sick of thinking about it, really. But the last couple of months have been kind of awful. It's all very personal and chances are (if you read this) you already know quite a bit about it - so I'll skip the details.

What people may not know about though (or at least not many) is how anxious I've been feeling. It's been more difficult to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened than I anticipated. The last few weeks have been a huge improvement health-wise, but they've been hard in other ways.

But the title of this post is not a lie. Life is getting bright and full again, I'm chilling out, things are good.

I'm sleeping better than I have since August.

I have been spending lots of time with people I adore.

My family is around and as crazy as ever.

I am dating someone wonderful.

I'll have a job again in just a few weeks.

The weather has been beautiful. (Keep holding on, Provo. Don't give in to winter just yet.)

I had a hard time believing things would be like this again. But here we all are! Hooray!

I'm very, very happy and honestly can't think of anything I would want or need beyond what I have right now.

fish taco tuesday

sweet heaven.

it's the happiest part of my week.

what is the ONE THING I have been craving for weeks above all the other things?

why, fish tacos, of course!

This is one of those weekends that could go either way.

There are a million things going on.

Today: Guy Fawkes Day, a wedding, potential family stuff

Tomorrow: crepe party in the morning at my parents' house, Festival of Lights, other party

Sunday: Break the fast, various activities

Add to this list the unexpected plans, the whims, and my desire to go out to eat too many times.

Then there are the other two possibilities:

first,

I will just lock myself in my room where I will knit, read Bradbury, and snuggle in my bed (avoiding all contact with the outside world and loving it).

and the second,

I will end up on someone's couch watching a movie (also not such a bad option).

This Week

(I have since listened to this song approximately 25 times)

(unpacking my mom's kitchen)

(the last time I looked at this bottle was September)

There has been a lot more, of course. But these are the things that are standing out right now.

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I never have anything to say. I've tried to update you five times daily for the past week... but it just hasn't been happening.

I'll try harder. Here are a few things:

- Yay! for better health than I've had in a loooong time.

- Yay! for giggly, ridiculous happiness.

- My family is moving to Provo this SATURDAY.

- I am in need of some sort of occupation for the next two months. I'm thinking gift wrap specialist at a department store?

- There are several birthdays, weddings, and other big events coming up. I need to get on that.

- I'm very excited for Sufjan next Monday.

- I need to stop getting winded going up a flight of stairs. Treadmill - it's time we got acquainted.

So Blog, better than nothing?

Sincerely,

Lauren

all you need is a cat

Day thirteen of the hospital.

Yes, I now know the majority of the nurses.

I know what time they deliver meals, when the crazy shift changes occur (and therefore - when to ask for meds because the nurses will be too busy otherwise), and I know the best way to tie a hospital gown (without help thankyouverymuch).

Last night my nurse came in and looked around my room.

"This place is too homey," she said as I sat knitting by the light of my Tiffany lamp (thank you, Julia), Jim Dale narrating Harry Potter quietly in the background.

"The only thing you need to complete this picture is a cat curled up on the bed. Next time be sure to bring a cat." She paused and continued, "...only don't. Because there shouldn't be a next time. And cats are probably a bad idea in the hospital."

"You need to go home," she said.

And I think I will go home soon. Hopefully. Maybe.